Okay I know you have missed me

But I swear I have been okay, just dealing with every day life as we all know it. Still not done decorating just can't get the get up and go to do it. But it will get down before Christmas I am sure.

There has not been a lot going in my life, well not enough to keep people entertained. But I know that Law student is studying for finals, as is Business student. They both will be home the weekend of the 17th, I am taking a weeks vacation from the 22nd of Dec through Jan 1st. This way we all can spend quality time together and be the dysfunctional family that we are.

Still not smoking and still losing weight. I am now down 3 clothes sizes. It feels good to be able to wear clothes and not only look good in them but feel good too. It's cold and snowy here and that doesn't thrill me but you get used to it.

Lilman is doing better no problems on the bus any more and that is a relief. Diva on the other hand is having such a hard time. She loves the dance studio but I am not sure how much longer she is going to tolerate the girls there. In the past two years she has felt like an outsider looking in, they don't talk to her, ask her to join them in anything they do away from the studio, I just don't understand any of this as she has danced with most of them since she has been 7. I know when she gets ready to leave the studio it will be with her head held high and on her terms.

Today was not a good day for the Holiday spirit as I felt like Scrooge, had to go to court on two evictions I don't like to do evictions during Dec but I had no choice. But it just doesn't feel right for the season.

Well I hope we don't get two much snow I would like to get our tree this Saturday and then bake cookies but we will see.

I have some one who is very near and dear to me and she bought this beautiful piece for me this week.

So then I had to redo the fireplace

I will try and blog better but wont make any promises

It's time to start the Holiday season

It's time enough of the doom and gloom, you only live once and that is not enough time to dwell on the bumps in the road. Not that we don 't hit the pot holes of life every now and then it's just that what is going to be will be and you can't change it now matter how big a pity party you throw for your self.

So I started to decorate for Christmas, I am listening to Christmas music and trying to be jolly. I have worn a different Christmas sweater or Sweatshirt every day since day after Thanksgiving as planned.

There are still a few things that need to be done in the house. The tree for one we need to get one. We have had a real one for years and we need to go hunt it down and cut it. That will have to be next weekend. There are still a few strands of lights I need to hang inside the house but for the most part it is done. Now I moved things form the places they have been in previous years and I have not put everything out. Yes there is more.

as you walk in the house

some of the kitchen

now the kitchen is in snowmen, the family room rustic and Rudolph and the living room Victorian or as close to it as I can afford I still need to take picture of the salt and pepper shakers

Life needs to cut me some slack

I am so tired of this life I lead, I am so tired of the more downs then ups. It pains me to think that this is how I am suppose to live, I always joke about if I didn't have bad luck I would have no luck but you know I am so tired of it being the truth.

Everything is just so messed up. Sometimes I question if it is all worth it. Wouldn't the world and life be better off if i wasn't in it. There are so many times I really think so. Yes I know I have four great kids, I am healthy have a husband who loves me, But there is more to life and I want some of it. I want to be able to say yes sometimes and not always no. It's always no no no, you can't have that we can't do this, no I can't buy that. No you can't go to Washington with the 8th graders, No you can't go to the movies. It's always no. Yes we went on vacation but I went kicking and screaming. I knew we should not have gone. I knew my life would get in the way.

So as I sat in church today I asked God a lot of questions, Questions that only he would have the answers to. But to be honest I really don't think he is listening and at some point I don't think he cares. That is a problem to try an have faith and think that there is nothing to have faith in. You would think at my age my life would get easier but nooooo it only gets harder. Having to always have my children do with out sometimes is even harder. They don't understand well most of them don't understand and why should they, they shouldn't have anything to worry about.

Christmas the one time of the year I loved, now I dread it year after year, Holiday cheer who cares, I sure don't and I am so tired of going through the motions of being happy and cheery. I had been saving money hoarding so to speak so we could do the yearly day after Thanksgiving shopping for the kids. Now I had told them all that Santa was on a budget and we would have to choose wisely what they wanted. But I had my lists and we were ready so I thought. Till Weds. when I was hit with a blow. Just another train hitting me full on., So I wasn't going to go because I now needed the funds for other things. No 198.00 Tv for the rooms no lap top for 198.00 no big ticket item at all. What did we settler on oh boy what a thrilling shopping spree 1.98 and 5.00 movies. Yup that is what my kids are getting. Oh there is a few other things but that was the bulk of it. Instead of spending what I normally do I think I spent a whopping 150.00 when all said and done. That is so pitiful, not that it's not something but it's nothing compared to anything they would have gotten. To say they will be disappointed is an understatement, as their list this year were not unreasonable.

Law Student wanted the 198.00 TV, Business student wanted a Zune touch, Diva wanted an Ipod Touch and lilman wanted anything to do with wrestling. Well I got a few wrestlers so yeah me. I am a failure with a capital F and i am tired so tired of all this. Just not sure where I want to go from here.

All of my Christmas stuff is down from the attic and I have no desire or want to put it up. yes I know I am having a pity party, but the alternatives could be worse. I have thought of alternatives several to be exact, and they are still swirling in by thoughts. I just need to see what tomorrow will bring.

On an up side if there is an upside I am still smoke free and law student surprised me with one of these.

A fire place