Everything is just so messed up. Sometimes I question if it is all worth it. Wouldn't the world and life be better off if i wasn't in it. There are so many times I really think so. Yes I know I have four great kids, I am healthy have a husband who loves me, But there is more to life and I want some of it. I want to be able to say yes sometimes and not always no. It's always no no no, you can't have that we can't do this, no I can't buy that. No you can't go to Washington with the 8th graders, No you can't go to the movies. It's always no. Yes we went on vacation but I went kicking and screaming. I knew we should not have gone. I knew my life would get in the way.
So as I sat in church today I asked God a lot of questions, Questions that only he would have the answers to. But to be honest I really don't think he is listening and at some point I don't think he cares. That is a problem to try an have faith and think that there is nothing to have faith in. You would think at my age my life would get easier but nooooo it only gets harder. Having to always have my children do with out sometimes is even harder. They don't understand well most of them don't understand and why should they, they shouldn't have anything to worry about.
Christmas the one time of the year I loved, now I dread it year after year, Holiday cheer who cares, I sure don't and I am so tired of going through the motions of being happy and cheery. I had been saving money hoarding so to speak so we could do the yearly day after Thanksgiving shopping for the kids. Now I had told them all that Santa was on a budget and we would have to choose wisely what they wanted. But I had my lists and we were ready so I thought. Till Weds. when I was hit with a blow. Just another train hitting me full on., So I wasn't going to go because I now needed the funds for other things. No 198.00 Tv for the rooms no lap top for 198.00 no big ticket item at all. What did we settler on oh boy what a thrilling shopping spree 1.98 and 5.00 movies. Yup that is what my kids are getting. Oh there is a few other things but that was the bulk of it. Instead of spending what I normally do I think I spent a whopping 150.00 when all said and done. That is so pitiful, not that it's not something but it's nothing compared to anything they would have gotten. To say they will be disappointed is an understatement, as their list this year were not unreasonable.
Law Student wanted the 198.00 TV, Business student wanted a Zune touch, Diva wanted an Ipod Touch and lilman wanted anything to do with wrestling. Well I got a few wrestlers so yeah me. I am a failure with a capital F and i am tired so tired of all this. Just not sure where I want to go from here.
All of my Christmas stuff is down from the attic and I have no desire or want to put it up. yes I know I am having a pity party, but the alternatives could be worse. I have thought of alternatives several to be exact, and they are still swirling in by thoughts. I just need to see what tomorrow will bring.
On an up side if there is an upside I am still smoke free and law student surprised me with one of these.
A fire place